The American Dream

Isn't it funny how everyone has their own opinion on how you should and shouldn't live your life? To be honest, I have no idea what the hell I am doing most days, but does anyone? I am a roll with the punches, go with the flow, what is the worst that can happen, kind of girl. I believe that the Universe puts certain people and opportunities into your life and you, and only you, have the choice of what your destiny is going to look like. If you start to listen to all of the voices around you, then your destiny quickly becomes everyone else's destiny.

This weekend I got really silent. On Friday night, I shut off the news, turned my phone on silent, put the dogs outside, and waited. At first, my mind was going a million miles per minute. There was SO much noise. It had been a while since I took some time for some self healing. Lately, I have been beaten down and really confused. I lost sight of what I really wanted because I was listening to what everyone else wanted me to do. I was being pulled in a million different directions, trying to please every 'Tom, Dick and Harry' who had an opinion. Not saying that their opinions on how my life should be lived were wrong, but at the end of the day, something was missing.

So as I sat in this semi-lit, quiet room, I began to wonder what my perfect life would be like. Despite popular belief, you can have a job that you love. A faithful relationship does exist. Unselfish, supportive friendships are necessary. Maybe having 5 Labradors is a bit excessive but it doesn't mean that it wouldn't make me any less stoked. In my vision I didn't see a white picket fence, hell, I didn't even see babies. (Of course I want babies when the time is right, just not right now.)  In my almost perfect life, I would have a job that I was excited to wake up and go to every day, one that I absolutely kicked ass at. I would have a loving, supportive, man who undeniably loves every bit of my emotional, dramatic, overthinking self. I saw Layla being the healthiest dog ever living a life full of trail running, exploring new places and boat rides. I saw myself, with a healthy mind, a healthy body, and a smile that never left my face. Finally, I smelt it. After sitting silently for ten minutes, I smelt the ocean, I remembered how it felt so be standing alone on the beach at 5:30 in the morning and being reminded every day how small I was in comparison to such a big world of opportunity. I remembered how lucky I felt to be able to experience something every day, that some people never experience in their life...because everyone around them tell them that it isn't possible.

Your life is made up of the decisions that you make every single day. Some of those decisions turn into lessons learned, as others turn into monumental moments that lead you to that next big thing. I'm not saying that I don't want the white wedding, beautiful babies, and the white picket fence one day, but the American Dream doesn't have to happen as quick as every one thinks.

Last week I was presented with the opportunity to get my job back at Arrowmac in California. On Friday I quit my job in Kentucky and accepted the position. If you know me well enough, before accepting, I made 5 different pro/con lists and tried to think of answers to dreaded questions before they were asked. The cons that I came up with were 1. Money and 2. Family.The pro's list was longer than the paper. Telling my loved ones and hearing their feedback was like hearing that I made the worst decision that I would ever make in my life. I was almost convinced to stay in the job that I didn't love, work the 9-5, and stick it out. I was almost convinced that I didn't have enough money to make a move like that again. I was almost convinced that I wasn't thinking and that I was borderline insane.

All of those things may be true, and again, every one is entitled to their own opinion. But if I would've listened, my vision for my life would've slowly slipped a little farther away from me. If I would've listened to what everyone else thought how I should live my life, I wouldn't have woken up this morning, happier than I have been in the last couple of months, excited to log on and get really freaking creative with my team, remotely for now. Money will figure itself out, I am not too worried about that. My family, well, they will come around and eventually be excited about having somewhere to visit.

Life is scary. Big decisions are scary. Don't let the fear of everything falling to shit, keep you from doing what makes you happy, passionate and full of love. Above anything else, your own happiness is the only thing that matters, and no the grass isn't always greener on the other side, but I've officially seen both sides of this meadow.

Rose Colored Glasses

One thing is for certain, and that is in 2017 I learned to not let the way other people went about their day to interfere with how I was going to live my best life. The day that I decided this was another sunny day in California, when I realized that far too many people are just straight up disrespectful for absolutely no reason at all. There was a matter of weeks that led up to this monumental day that I decided to stop giving a fuck about what other people did or said, and those weeks were full of sleepless nights, self help books and a copious amount of wine.

You would've never known that I was hurting though, because social media showed you differently.

I do a lot of thinking, probably more than the average person a day. Some would argue that it is my biggest flaw, I however, beg to differ. Do you remember when we were younger and everybody who was some body would ask you that dreaded question, "what do you want to be when you grow up?" Do you remember how quickly you would rattle off an answer to satisfy the person looking at you, just to see a smile of approval or some sort of words of affirmation that you were right on track?

Social media is our way to show everyone who ever asked us what we wanted to be when we grow up, that we are actually out there, living out that dream. It is a way to show everyone that we have lost touch with over the years that we are doing just fine, getting promotions at our dream job, eating healthy and saying no to every piece of junk food that comes our way, in a perfect relationship that has no flaws, with a dog that doesn't shed and chew up expensive things in a house that doesn't have mice or spiders.

WHY.

I get it, nobody hangs hard times on the wall. However, I want to personally apologize for leading you to believe that I have never had a bad day. I want to apologize for posting so much about my personal life, that there are people who have never even met me that think that they  know my whole story. 

The truth is, you have no idea. None of us do. 

We live in a world that if you show any sign of weakness, you are not strong. If you show any type of emotion, you are 'too emotional.' If you complain, people judge, instead of extending a helping hand. If you are sad, people don't know how to console you. 

We live in a time where everyone wears rose colored glasses, showing only the beauty and hiding all of the truth. 

To an extent, this is amazing. We live our days thinking that every one around us is happier than they were the day before. However, then we begin to think that everything we are seeing on social media is the whole truth. We see Instagram stories of perfect babies who are always smiling, while you sit at home and hold a baby who has cried for hours on end. We see people getting promoted, while your position was just terminated right before the holidays. We see people getting fit and making it look so easy, when the thought of eating kale makes you personally want to throw a fit. We see people getting engaged, while the only thing you're engaging in is the next season of This Is Us. 

My challenge for myself, and to you, is to take off the rose colored glasses. Be a good friend, partner, parent or neighbor. Don't make assumptions by what you see on social media, and for the love of God, don't compare yourself to others. Be happy with where you are at in your life, whether that is in limbo with your career, parenthood or your relationship, and know that even though your life may not be as perfect as the girl you sat next to in History class six years ago via her Instagram, that you are living your best damn life every day, and as long as you can honestly say that then you are right on track.

Get Quiet, Live Loud

For the first time in a long time today, I got quiet. It was a normal day of rolling out of bed, making myself presentable, rushing to a work meeting then immediately to work, getting pissed at the traffic on the freeway because I was going to miss my spin class, and then coming home to make dinner. However, today I heard something that I had become a stranger to. Silence.

You see, I have made a point these past five months since moving away from home to keep myself so insanely busy that I have had no time to stop and think about anything. Honestly, it has worked well for me. I am making great strides in a company that I love working for, joined a fitness community that motivates me day in and out, and have been so fortunate to meet some amazing people. On a normal day after all of that, I come home to a handsome man in our beautiful apartment and take advantage of the one on one time with him that I have become so used to. 

Today I came home and there was silence. I turned on the air conditioner so that I could hear that familiar sound, then turned up the volume on the t.v. so that I could start Friends from season 1. I attempted to make brussel sprouts the way that he makes them and ended up asking myself if I really like brussel sprouts because they tasted like shit. But his? His are always perfect.

I got in the shower and I hate to admit this, but I showered with the curtain open. I have watched so many horror films that I just knew that when I opened that shower curtain I was going to get murdered by some alien. Dramatic, huh? Then I realized how silly I was being. 

In that moment, I challenged myself. I did something that I was terrified to do because I was afraid of what I would hear. I turned off the noise. Then, I wiped the dust off of this old thing and began to type. It had been so long since I took the time to get silent and focus in on myself, and tonight I am at peace. Tonight I was able to do some self reflection and realize that holy shit, I am living in California. I am building a life with a man I love and who loves me. I am a #GirlBoss who dove outside of my comfort zone and weirdly enough found comfort. I am so thankful.

Get quiet, live loud. Without getting quiet, you never realize how loud you can get.

Forget the presents, let's all be present

My new years resolution, that I have decided to start a few weeks early, is to be more present.

Wouldn't it be nice to be able to sit down for dinner with someone and them not have to check their email, a sports update, or a social media site? Wouldn't it be nice if you could spend the holiday season telling your memories as you remember them, instead of pulling out your phone, logging into instagram and just showing the pictures that you have had the most likes on?

My biggest wish, and the best present that I could receive this year, is that the people that I surround myself with, will feel no need to check the stock market, bring up Adele's live performance, or the KY dude who is killing it on the Voice, but instead, will engage in conversation, make new memories, and reminisce on times that went by too quickly.

This year, the only thing my dad asked for Christmas, was for each of his kids to write in a journal all of the memories, good and bad, that we remember while growing up. While writing in my journal that I plan to give to him on Christmas, not one of those memories involve a phone. Not one of those memories involve some sort of social media account. However, every memory that I remembered from a young age until now had one thing in common, and it was a time that neither one of us had our phones out, that we were both totally present at a moment in time.

There are memories that I can still hear him laughing at me, or me laughing at him. One specific memory, that all of us kids can attest to, is sitting indian style in the kitchen floor on Sunday nights watching my dad make the best damn milkshake in town. When we were younger, we thought he put magic in that blender. Now that we are older, we know that it was just pure love. 

I guess my point is, is the memories I remember with my family, the ones that I really remember, are the ones when I am completely there. As you get older, because we all inevitably do, don't you want to look back and remember things other than being consumed by technology? I'll be honest, I couldn't tell you what I looked at on my phone and saw an hour ago, but I could tell you what me and a friend talked about a week ago, because that is what is important to me.

My challenge to you not only this holiday season but into the new year, is to put your phone down, push your stress aside, stop worrying about yesterday, tomorrow or next year and just. be. present.

In the long run, your friends and loved ones will appreciate the fact that you will be present, and that will be the best present of all. 

Settling never got anyone anywhere but down

Am I the only one looking back at this past year wondering where the hell the time has gone? Life is funny, because sometimes, we get so caught up in making plans, worrying about our next career choice, listing resolutions, and plotting our escape strategy that we forget to actually live.

Thirty days stand between us and 2016.


For the first time in a long time, I can look back at this year and pat myself on the back. No, I didn't settle down into a career, I actually did the opposite. I didn't start putting money into my 401K, but I do have some pretty kick ass memories to tell with the money I didn't save. I wish I could tell you that I followed my (once) dreams of becoming a journalist, and now I'm living in a big ol' city, but the funny thing about dreams, is that sometimes, they tend to change.

I'll tell you what I did do though. I walked away from a career that I thought would make me happy, because it no longer did. By doing that, I was able to start a job with a company that allowed me to travel all over the country. Not only did I make so many memories, shake hands and meet quite a few great people, but I was able to take a step in the right direction...the direction towards happiness. Little did I know that during a job that I thought was just buying me time to figure out my life, everything was slowly falling into place, and now I sit here a month left of 2015, and couldn't be happier. I am now working for a company (shout out Lululemon) that not only allows me to be the best version of myself, but I am encouraged to spread good vibes and fuel happiness to everyone around me. I get to spend my days encouraging people to be active in their community, and to help them be comfortable in their own skin. By doing this, I have not only seen happiness flare up in those around me, but in myself too.

You know what 2015 taught me? After eight jobs, hours of traveling for work, sleepless nights, and long worked days, everything always seems to work out just as it should. People who knew me two years ago wouldn't recognize me today. We all go through hardships, bad days, bad months, hell, even bad years, but those small pieces are only a part of the puzzle, to one day lead, to the bigger picture.

My puzzle isn't even half way done, and neither is yours. If you aren't happy with how things went this year, change one thing going into 2016. That might be your job choice, a toxic relationship, or maybe even the city that you are living in. My hope is for you to one day look back at your year and feel nothing but happiness. My hope is for you to find someone who isn't afraid to go the distance, and is satisfied with chocolate kisses when you aren't there to give the real ones.

 My hope is for you to not settle, because settling never got anyone anywhere but down.

Wine about it

It's funny how some things never change, but at the same time, every thing changes. When I was in college, I would sit down at this same computer every night, sometimes with a box of Franzia at my side, and vent about the things that I could not change. I'd rant about some boy that swept me off my feet to only throw me under a bus a few weeks later. I'd write about my confusion of what a true friend was or wasn't. I'd talk about pointless stuff, that only a 20 something could relate to. Not only did people read it, they loved it. I never understood why, until I realized, it was because everything I wrote was nothing but honest.

Years later, I sit here, at the same computer, drinking a glass of Pinot Noir for dinner. It was either that or animal crackers. Since I travel for work now, it's pointless to stock up on food when I am only home a day then leave for five. Not that I need to explain myself or anything...but I don't always have wine for dinner, put those judging eyes away.

Isn't it funny how we look at our futures and expect so much? Really, why would we do that to ourselves? I know, our whole lives, people tell us to shoot for the stars, to not settle for anything less than butterflies, to not stop until your famous, blah blah blah. I have always had high expectations for my future, but then I started thinking.

What if I tossed aside my "to do list before I'm 30." What if I stopped looking at all of my friends who are getting married and or engaged and stopped secretly obsessing over how they found a guy to settle down with. Not only to settle down with, but to love and to cherish until death do them part. What if I stopped looking at the board in the gym and beating myself up over not hitting a new PR the past couple of months. What if I set aside all of the rules, all of the expectations, all of the questions about my own life and just lived every day, with no expectations but to live through another day happily.

I think that we are all way too hard on ourselves. I know I am. Hell, 25 years young, and I freak out when people ask me when I am going to get married. I usually answer with a laugh and some smart ass comment like, uh don't you have to date someone before that happens? But I have realized that this only makes the older, more wiser, person in the conversation awkward, and they stare at me like I am some inhumane beast. 

Everything has changed, but some things have stayed the same. We have all became more independent,  are more visually stimulated (thanks social media,) and if something isn't working as well as we thought it would, we start shopping for the next best thing. Relationships are as disposable as the razors we use, and some people would rather sit around and let things happen to them, than making them happen themselves. Aside from all of that though, we all have remained having faith. Whether it's you venting to a family member after a long day of work and saying that you know that tomorrow will get better. Maybe it was you talking to a friend over dinner/drinks and after congratulating them on their engagement you slide in, "when I get engaged you will be the first to know." Or maybe, it's you lying in bed next to your significant other... another day has passed with kids, soccer practice, dance rehearsal and report cards and you whisper, "I know we have a vacation coming soon."

Have faith. At the end of the day, it's the only thing that we do have. Throw away the time lines and remind yourself that things will pan out as they should. You'll get your vacation, a promotion, or hell, maybe even that diamond ring one day.

Every thing changes, but faith is indefinite. 

A Disclaimer To My Happiness

A question that I have gotten alot lately is 'how?' How are you so happy all of the time? How do you see the good in the bad? How do you get through the tough times with a smile on your face? My only answer is, how do you not? How do you not wake up every morning thinking that the next 24 hours ahead of you holds so much possibility. How do you not smile knowing that whatever tough thing you are going through right now, can't last forever.

Comparison is the thief of all joy. I know this because at one point in time, I used to compare my body, my strength, my relationship status, my career, hell even my hair to other people. People that really had no big significance in my life. Then one day, I realized that I was only inhibiting myself from becoming a better, stronger, happier person.

For those of you who do not know me, I dropped thousands of dollars into a journalism degree that two and a half years out of college I would come to find out that I hated. When I decided to quit my job as a reporter, I did so because it no longer made me happy. I woke up and with tears in my eyes knew that it wasn’t something I had a passion for anymore. I knew that if I stayed that it would be solely because society says, since I got a Bachelors Degree in Journalism, that it would only make sense.  The day that I put my happiness first, was the best day of my life thus far.

People have questioned my happiness, some have even questioned that if the smile and the positive vibes I send out every day are part of some big act or show that I put on for attention. I'm going to let you in on a little secret, when you remove the negativity from your life, whether it be a shitty job, a mentally or physically abusive relationship, or even just trash television, you will no longer have a reason to be negative.

I used to think that my happiness was determined on materialistic things or relationships. If that was the case now, and if I still thought that way, I'd probably be a pretty miserable person. I am a single 25 year old, who is in between jobs, with a love for writing and life. I have an expensive gym habit that I can barely afford, but I freelance and pick up little odd jobs so that I can continue to enjoy that time. I surround myself with good vibes, because I believe that even when life goes to shit, there is always a reason to smile.

So when someone told me that people thought I was fake and not genuine, it got me thinking. I smiled, took a deep breath, and obviously tried to understand their accusations. I wasn't mad, but so sad. Sad to think that instead of these people joining me, instead of them spreading love, they chose to spread hate, they chose the wrong tribe. 

You have the choice every day when you wake up as to who you want to be that day. Hell, I could wake up tomorrow morning, decide I want to be an astronaut, then work my ass off for the next 23 hours to make it happen. Or, I could just wake up and decide that today is going to be the best day of my life...and why wouldn't that bring a smile to your face?

I get it. Life is tough. Life is so freaking tough. There will be mean people, accidents, deaths, sicknesses, failed marriages, cheating, lies, and days that you run out of peanut butter when you really just want a tablespoon of it. There will be days where it rains, and your hair is a mess. Days that your socks don't match, you poke your eye with the mascara wand, or get fired from a job. There will be days that you're behind on bills, you gained two pounds, and your significant other falls out of love with you.

But you know what keeps me going?

There will ALWAYS be better days. You can't control the bad, but you can control how you survive it. The one thing in life that you have control in is your own happiness...isn't that such an amazing thing?

Sending Good Vibes to everyone going through something right now, it can only go up from here if you want it to. <3