You've been running up and down the court for about 30 minutes now. You are sweating, you need a drink of water, and instead of actually taking a seat on the bench, you keep going. Your attempts of actually blocking shots or resisting the urge to double dribble are amusing. You won't pass the ball, and at this point you aren't thinking of your team, but just your own success. You look at the shot clock, the time has stopped, you are in your own little world, and the once upon a time fan section that stood behind you, is no longer there. There are no other players on the court with you, matter of fact, you are the only one in the gym.
You run over to your play book, trying to figure out your next move, but without a teammate to collaborate with or an opponent to keep the ball from, what exactly are you still playing for? There was a time that the game was something that you enjoyed, but you played it in a way where your team won. You used to have fun, you used to take breaks, you used to sit it out on the bench, because we all know, a real player can also be a bench warmer. But you, you let the game get to your head. You were all about the sneaky, behind your back, 'in between your legs' plays, the ones where not even you knew what the hell you were actually doing. You started becoming the kind of player that not only your opponents despised, but your teammates did too.
As you get older, the game should become less competitive. It should form into simply just trying to come up with a play good enough to get the ball from your hands, into the hoop. As you get older, you should want to take a break, have a drink of water, sit on the bench every now and then. As you get older, you should no longer want to be defined as a player, but part of a team.
There comes a time in every 20 something year old's life that they have to make a decision, and that is to keep playing the game, or take a seat on the bench. The point comes at different times for everyone, and sadly, there are some who will never actually want to be part of a team, and will eventually find themselves on the court alone.
Enjoy the game, enjoy being the number one player and only thinking about your own success. Enjoy looking at your 'numbers' and stats, and soak in all of those self accomplishments. However, there comes a time when you have to take a seat, and if you don't want to hang up that jersey yet, spare the upset of those around you. Spare the feelings of those people who thought you were their teammate, only to find out you only cared about yourself. Spare the disappointment of those who actually believed in you, only to find out that you'd never change your ways of selfishly playing.
You see, life isn't all about winning, and eventually, most players realize that scoring isn't all that fun by themselves.
Tuesday, January 13, 2015
Tuesday, December 30, 2014
What Do You Choose?
Isn't it refreshing to stand on the finish line and look back toward where you started, and how far you've come. Maybe this past year was a walk in the park for you, maybe it was a 5K, or maybe you had a year full of ups and downs which left you breathless, like a triathlon. Regardless, you're here...you've made it. If you're reading this chances are you passed those finals that you thought were going to be the end of your life, survived your pain in the ass coworker who never shuts up, and rose above that boy or girl who just wouldn't let you live out your life without them.
You made it through the worst day ever, the I can't live without you, the shoot me now moments, and even pulled yourself out of bed that one day that you really just wanted to lay there because watching Big leave Carrie on Sex and the City was a lot more bearable than actually facing your real life horror romance story.
You made it through losing your job, gaining and then losing weight, losing friends, losing a lover. You made it through losing your self in the thought of someone else, losing your mind, losing your dignity.
Now you're standing here, at the finish line of another year, hands on your hips looking back on the path that you pretty much crawled on to get to the point you are at right now. How do you feel? Because at the finish line, you have two options, to start another race, or dwell on the one that you just finished.
Take one last look at the past year. Remember the things that made you hurt, so that they won't have the power to hurt you again. Remember the things that made you feel happy and free, so that you can enjoy those things on a regular basis. Remember the people who offered you water and gave you a slap on the ass when you didn't think you could go any further, when you didn't think you could finish the race that you started. Keep those people close to you, remember how they were there for you when it wasn't easy or convenient, remember how they made you feel, because those are the people you want by your side in your future races. Remember those who made you feel worthless, made you feel ugly, made you feel used. Remember the lover with all of their empty promises and realize that eventually their bed, life, and friendship circle will be empty too. Remember that you are better than anyone who doesn't think you have everything to offer.
Remember these things enough to keep you going, but forget them enough so that they don't affect you negatively in the upcoming year.
Every day you wake up with a choice. You choose who you are going to be day in and day out. Remember that you can't change someone who wakes up everyday choosing to be a bad person. You can only choose to be better and forgive them, and choose to rise above the mean things that are said. You choose who you want to be everyday, and I don't know about you, but I choose happiness. I choose success. I choose beauty. I choose to leave behind negativity and people who are so lost because they are looking too hard for an answer that isn't even there.
This next race, choose the walk in the park. After a triathlon, I believe you deserve it.
Happy 2015.
You made it through the worst day ever, the I can't live without you, the shoot me now moments, and even pulled yourself out of bed that one day that you really just wanted to lay there because watching Big leave Carrie on Sex and the City was a lot more bearable than actually facing your real life horror romance story.
You made it through losing your job, gaining and then losing weight, losing friends, losing a lover. You made it through losing your self in the thought of someone else, losing your mind, losing your dignity.
Now you're standing here, at the finish line of another year, hands on your hips looking back on the path that you pretty much crawled on to get to the point you are at right now. How do you feel? Because at the finish line, you have two options, to start another race, or dwell on the one that you just finished.
Take one last look at the past year. Remember the things that made you hurt, so that they won't have the power to hurt you again. Remember the things that made you feel happy and free, so that you can enjoy those things on a regular basis. Remember the people who offered you water and gave you a slap on the ass when you didn't think you could go any further, when you didn't think you could finish the race that you started. Keep those people close to you, remember how they were there for you when it wasn't easy or convenient, remember how they made you feel, because those are the people you want by your side in your future races. Remember those who made you feel worthless, made you feel ugly, made you feel used. Remember the lover with all of their empty promises and realize that eventually their bed, life, and friendship circle will be empty too. Remember that you are better than anyone who doesn't think you have everything to offer.
Remember these things enough to keep you going, but forget them enough so that they don't affect you negatively in the upcoming year.
Every day you wake up with a choice. You choose who you are going to be day in and day out. Remember that you can't change someone who wakes up everyday choosing to be a bad person. You can only choose to be better and forgive them, and choose to rise above the mean things that are said. You choose who you want to be everyday, and I don't know about you, but I choose happiness. I choose success. I choose beauty. I choose to leave behind negativity and people who are so lost because they are looking too hard for an answer that isn't even there.
This next race, choose the walk in the park. After a triathlon, I believe you deserve it.
Happy 2015.
Wednesday, December 17, 2014
Leaving it in 2014
Every new year, we tell ourselves that this is going to be it. We make promises to be healthier, to stop drinking so much, to settle down or talk to God more often. We want to put the last year behind us and forget about the things that we didn't follow through with, didn't say or didn't do. We want to start fresh, and with a new year, maybe become a new person.
Some of us actually will take strides in the direction that we want to this year. Some will find the love of their life, get married and start a family. Some will move to a new state, establish a new life in a new city and become someone other than the person from college who liked to party. Some will go back to school, and follow the career path they always wanted to and stop making excuses. Some will start a work out routine, and make this year the year that they can be naked in full confidence.
The last year was a roller coaster of emotions for me. I started the year at rock bottom, and am about to end it a completely different person, and for that I am thankful. I was able to take a trip to Colorado, and allowed that experience to change me. I will be visiting Chicago this weekend, which is a place that I have always wanted to go. I have embraced adventure and never turned down a chance to make a memory. While there were so many great things that happened to me this year, there are a few things that I do regret doing or not doing. Some of you may be able to relate, others maybe not, but going into 2015, there are certain things that I want to change the way that I think and feel about.
Regret is the disappointment of something that has happened. It's probably the worst feeling ever, and usually I don't have regrets, but this year, I have one.
In 2015, my resolution is to change the way that I feel about you. It's something that not only haunts me but constantly makes me feel like a bad person day in and day out. I have thought that maybe I wasn't good enough, that maybe if I would've done more squats, or worn more lipstick, or drank that cocktail the 'perfect' way, that maybe you would change the way you had thought about me too. At the most confident time in my life though, you still make me feel like there is something wrong with me,because that is the only possible reason that the feelings I had for you were not reciprocated.
Don't feel sorry for me, I used this as an example to prove that there are just some things that you have to leave behind. That sometimes a new year and a fresh start is just a second, third or fourth chance at finding someone who will make you happy in the next 365 days or more.
What an exciting thought that is.
Some of us actually will take strides in the direction that we want to this year. Some will find the love of their life, get married and start a family. Some will move to a new state, establish a new life in a new city and become someone other than the person from college who liked to party. Some will go back to school, and follow the career path they always wanted to and stop making excuses. Some will start a work out routine, and make this year the year that they can be naked in full confidence.
The last year was a roller coaster of emotions for me. I started the year at rock bottom, and am about to end it a completely different person, and for that I am thankful. I was able to take a trip to Colorado, and allowed that experience to change me. I will be visiting Chicago this weekend, which is a place that I have always wanted to go. I have embraced adventure and never turned down a chance to make a memory. While there were so many great things that happened to me this year, there are a few things that I do regret doing or not doing. Some of you may be able to relate, others maybe not, but going into 2015, there are certain things that I want to change the way that I think and feel about.
Regret is the disappointment of something that has happened. It's probably the worst feeling ever, and usually I don't have regrets, but this year, I have one.
In 2015, my resolution is to change the way that I feel about you. It's something that not only haunts me but constantly makes me feel like a bad person day in and day out. I have thought that maybe I wasn't good enough, that maybe if I would've done more squats, or worn more lipstick, or drank that cocktail the 'perfect' way, that maybe you would change the way you had thought about me too. At the most confident time in my life though, you still make me feel like there is something wrong with me,because that is the only possible reason that the feelings I had for you were not reciprocated.
Don't feel sorry for me, I used this as an example to prove that there are just some things that you have to leave behind. That sometimes a new year and a fresh start is just a second, third or fourth chance at finding someone who will make you happy in the next 365 days or more.
What an exciting thought that is.
Friday, December 12, 2014
12 Days of Christmas
Let's face it, there are some who have it, some who wish they did, and some who just aren't ready for it. Wherever you fall, Christmas can be a really annoying time if you aren't one of the people who have someone to show off to your extended family or kiss under the mistletoe.
So, I have decided to change up a Christmas song a little bit. First off, who in their right mind would want 10 lord a leaping or 11 pipers piping? I'll take the 5 golden rings though true love, you da best.
Almost at the mid-twenty mark (wah, wah, wah) I have decided to make my 12 days of Christmas about my friends, because they bring so much happiness to my life. Not a certain one, but all of them. Because I'm thankful for each one of them this Christmas. They may hate me for this, they may find it funny, either way...enjoy, and make sure you sing it or it probably wont make sense :)
On the first day of Christmas, Jen Dawn gave to me:
A baby in her belly.
On the second day of Christmas, Darnell gave to me:
Two 'Two Buck Chucks'
On the third day of Christmas, Haley gave to me:
Three years of laughing
On the fourth day of Christmas, Logan gave to me:
Four phone calls a day
On the fifth day of Christmas, Walker gave to me:
Five apologies
On the sixth day of Christmas, Whitney gave to me:
Six nights of dancing
On the seventh day of Christmas, Natasha gave to me:
Seven shots for shooting
On the 8th day of Christmas, BMitch gave to me:
Eight Buckeyes Losing
On the 9th day of Christmas, Therese gave to me:
9 towering towers
On the 10th day of Christmas, Taren gave to me:
10 reps of lifting
On the 11th day of Christmas, Dana gave to me:
11 could you nots?
On the 12th day of Christmas, Diana gave to me:
12 hours of driving
On the twelve days of Christmas my friends gave to me:
12 hours of driving
11 could you nots?
10 reps of lifting
9 towering towers
8 buckeyes losing
7 shots for shooting
6 nights of dancing
5 apologies
4 phone calls a day
3 years of laughing
2 'two buck chucks'
and a baby in jen's belly.
Damn, that was fun.
Merry (almost) Christmas, ya filthy animals.
So, I have decided to change up a Christmas song a little bit. First off, who in their right mind would want 10 lord a leaping or 11 pipers piping? I'll take the 5 golden rings though true love, you da best.
Almost at the mid-twenty mark (wah, wah, wah) I have decided to make my 12 days of Christmas about my friends, because they bring so much happiness to my life. Not a certain one, but all of them. Because I'm thankful for each one of them this Christmas. They may hate me for this, they may find it funny, either way...enjoy, and make sure you sing it or it probably wont make sense :)
On the first day of Christmas, Jen Dawn gave to me:
A baby in her belly.
On the second day of Christmas, Darnell gave to me:
Two 'Two Buck Chucks'
On the third day of Christmas, Haley gave to me:
Three years of laughing
On the fourth day of Christmas, Logan gave to me:
Four phone calls a day
On the fifth day of Christmas, Walker gave to me:
Five apologies
On the sixth day of Christmas, Whitney gave to me:
Six nights of dancing
On the seventh day of Christmas, Natasha gave to me:
Seven shots for shooting
On the 8th day of Christmas, BMitch gave to me:
Eight Buckeyes Losing
On the 9th day of Christmas, Therese gave to me:
9 towering towers
On the 10th day of Christmas, Taren gave to me:
10 reps of lifting
On the 11th day of Christmas, Dana gave to me:
11 could you nots?
On the 12th day of Christmas, Diana gave to me:
12 hours of driving
On the twelve days of Christmas my friends gave to me:
12 hours of driving
11 could you nots?
10 reps of lifting
9 towering towers
8 buckeyes losing
7 shots for shooting
6 nights of dancing
5 apologies
4 phone calls a day
3 years of laughing
2 'two buck chucks'
and a baby in jen's belly.
Damn, that was fun.
Merry (almost) Christmas, ya filthy animals.
Tuesday, December 2, 2014
Why Settle For A Player When You Can Find The Perfect Teammmate?
I think that life is all about finding your teammate, the perfect person to motivate and slap you on the ass when you accomplish something. A recent conversation with my best guy friend got me thinking about the different kinds of relationships there are now a days. As my best friend, he knows me better than anyone probably, so I asked him a simple question.
How have I met all of these guys who are
attracted to me, have fun with me, love to be around me, but at the
end of the day, don't want to 'be with me?' It took him a while to
respond, trying to find the perfect words, to tell me the truth, but
not piss me off. His reply was this:
"Well, I couldn't date you just because I know how I am, I'd end up hurting you, you'd hate me, and then we would no longer be friends. As for all of the other guys you've hung out, you might make it too easy."
This was his answer because come to find out, he really just has no idea, typical man. But the fact that he said easy, sparked my interest. I don't sleep around, so I was confused to why someone who knew that, would say that was the reason. But he meant it in an entirely different way. When I like someone, they usually know. I don't hold back my feelings, dodge phone calls, or wait hours to text back. I don't play the games that these men want to play, because honestly, I don't have time to. Between working and bettering myself, the last thing I want to do is worry about how long I should wait to call you, or if I should even call you at all.
I have always believed that if you are going to be in a relationship with someone, it should be easy. There should be no second guessing, no insecurities, just a good time between two people who are ready to kick ass together. I don't need someone to 'save' me, I am doing pretty well by myself, so if I am to get into a relationship with someone, I want it to be with a person who motivates me, and makes me better every day, not vise versa.
It makes me cringe to see couples who are miserable but stay together because they've dated for years so they feel like they are stuck. Or a girl who clings to the guy who constantly cheats on her because "she loves him too much to let go." Or the boy who stays with the girl who talks to a million other guys, because "she is just going through a phase." If things do not work out, that just means they weren't fit for your team, and that is okay. I used to be the girl who stayed with a guy who clearly hated me, and not only were we a shitty team, we had no team at all, which constantly had us losing at life every day.
Between the day that you are born and the day that you die, you will meet so many people who will try out for your team. If you are honest and straight forward with them, let them know exactly what you are looking for, things will be easy, and you all will both be on the same page in every aspect of life. However, there will be some who try out, make the cut, but you end up having to let go because they turn out to not be the teammate you were looking for, just a really good player. Don't settle for the player, because somewhere out there is the perfect teammate.
"Well, I couldn't date you just because I know how I am, I'd end up hurting you, you'd hate me, and then we would no longer be friends. As for all of the other guys you've hung out, you might make it too easy."
This was his answer because come to find out, he really just has no idea, typical man. But the fact that he said easy, sparked my interest. I don't sleep around, so I was confused to why someone who knew that, would say that was the reason. But he meant it in an entirely different way. When I like someone, they usually know. I don't hold back my feelings, dodge phone calls, or wait hours to text back. I don't play the games that these men want to play, because honestly, I don't have time to. Between working and bettering myself, the last thing I want to do is worry about how long I should wait to call you, or if I should even call you at all.
I have always believed that if you are going to be in a relationship with someone, it should be easy. There should be no second guessing, no insecurities, just a good time between two people who are ready to kick ass together. I don't need someone to 'save' me, I am doing pretty well by myself, so if I am to get into a relationship with someone, I want it to be with a person who motivates me, and makes me better every day, not vise versa.
It makes me cringe to see couples who are miserable but stay together because they've dated for years so they feel like they are stuck. Or a girl who clings to the guy who constantly cheats on her because "she loves him too much to let go." Or the boy who stays with the girl who talks to a million other guys, because "she is just going through a phase." If things do not work out, that just means they weren't fit for your team, and that is okay. I used to be the girl who stayed with a guy who clearly hated me, and not only were we a shitty team, we had no team at all, which constantly had us losing at life every day.
Between the day that you are born and the day that you die, you will meet so many people who will try out for your team. If you are honest and straight forward with them, let them know exactly what you are looking for, things will be easy, and you all will both be on the same page in every aspect of life. However, there will be some who try out, make the cut, but you end up having to let go because they turn out to not be the teammate you were looking for, just a really good player. Don't settle for the player, because somewhere out there is the perfect teammate.
Tuesday, November 25, 2014
Why Relationships Should Be As Easy As Friendships
I think dating is frustrating. I think getting to know someone, actually starting to care about them then months later finding out they just aren't into you is a vicious cycle and an emotional roller coaster. I wish defining someone as your significant other could be as easy as defining someone as your best friend, it just works.
My gal pals and I always joke around about how easy it was for us to fall in love with each other. Friendships are so easy to come by, they usually start with cocktails, and after discussing similarities and differences, you decide that the person you just met might actually be your new best friend. However, in my experience, when trying to find someone who I could actually see myself with, there is far more confusion than just going with the flow.
You can blow up your friends phone at all hours of the day and night and they know you are crazy, but love you that much more for it. If you even tried to double text the person you're interested in or even cross that line of actually calling them on the phone, you are a stage 5 clinger and they don't want to talk to you anymore.
With my friends, we can go out to dinner or drinks and have a constant flow of conversation. No awkward moments, and you don't even think twice about ordering that burger that you have been craving for weeks. The last time I went out to drinks with a datable prospect, I constantly questioned if what I was saying was the right thing. Also, when I get nervous I talk at 100 mph and my face gets red, and I sweat...and because of that, it's awkward.
People always say that the person you'll be with should be 'your best friend,' and I never understood it until I looked at the situation from this stand point.
With our friends we don't try to be something we aren't. We are who we are, and they love us anyway. With people we are trying to impress, we almost have to go through a series of job interviews and awkward moments just to finally get to a point where they kind of like us enough to stick around. Then you tell yourself you won't tell them about your annoying habit of asking too many questions and your obsession with New Girl until they are hooked, then you'll release the demons.
Wouldn't it be easier if we could just be in relationships like we are in friendships. I know my friends would do absolutely anything for me, and I know that they didn't think about leaving me because of that one time I got too drunk at the bar, or that other time that they had to hold my hair back while I hung shamelessly over a toilet. My friends embrace my flaws, and I embrace theirs, if we were perfect, what would we have to laugh at on any given day of the week? Friends are always there, through the good, the bad, the ugly and the inconvenient. Woudn't it be reassuring that your significant other would be too?
I'm sure a lot of you are going to think "Bonnie, this exists. Love exists. You'll find it one day. Be patient." I've heard it people, and I don't think I'll be single forever. However, I do think that there has to be an easier way to find someone that I am completely compatible with and somehow avoid all of the awkward moments, games, and insecurity/ trust issues that come with it.
My gal pals and I always joke around about how easy it was for us to fall in love with each other. Friendships are so easy to come by, they usually start with cocktails, and after discussing similarities and differences, you decide that the person you just met might actually be your new best friend. However, in my experience, when trying to find someone who I could actually see myself with, there is far more confusion than just going with the flow.
You can blow up your friends phone at all hours of the day and night and they know you are crazy, but love you that much more for it. If you even tried to double text the person you're interested in or even cross that line of actually calling them on the phone, you are a stage 5 clinger and they don't want to talk to you anymore.
With my friends, we can go out to dinner or drinks and have a constant flow of conversation. No awkward moments, and you don't even think twice about ordering that burger that you have been craving for weeks. The last time I went out to drinks with a datable prospect, I constantly questioned if what I was saying was the right thing. Also, when I get nervous I talk at 100 mph and my face gets red, and I sweat...and because of that, it's awkward.
People always say that the person you'll be with should be 'your best friend,' and I never understood it until I looked at the situation from this stand point.
With our friends we don't try to be something we aren't. We are who we are, and they love us anyway. With people we are trying to impress, we almost have to go through a series of job interviews and awkward moments just to finally get to a point where they kind of like us enough to stick around. Then you tell yourself you won't tell them about your annoying habit of asking too many questions and your obsession with New Girl until they are hooked, then you'll release the demons.
Wouldn't it be easier if we could just be in relationships like we are in friendships. I know my friends would do absolutely anything for me, and I know that they didn't think about leaving me because of that one time I got too drunk at the bar, or that other time that they had to hold my hair back while I hung shamelessly over a toilet. My friends embrace my flaws, and I embrace theirs, if we were perfect, what would we have to laugh at on any given day of the week? Friends are always there, through the good, the bad, the ugly and the inconvenient. Woudn't it be reassuring that your significant other would be too?
I'm sure a lot of you are going to think "Bonnie, this exists. Love exists. You'll find it one day. Be patient." I've heard it people, and I don't think I'll be single forever. However, I do think that there has to be an easier way to find someone that I am completely compatible with and somehow avoid all of the awkward moments, games, and insecurity/ trust issues that come with it.
Thursday, November 13, 2014
An Open Letter About An 'Almost' Relationship
Writers Note: Don't read too far into my feelings, if you don't want to know what my feelings are. Believe it or not, this has nothing to do with me, I'm writing it for a friend. However, to say that I don't know what she is going through would be a lie, we have all been in an 'almost' relationship.
I remember when I first met you. From a distance, your baby blues caught my attention and I was hooked. I nudged my best friend next to me, nodded your way, and she gave me the go ahead and a confidence boost to come and talk to you. After that first conversation, after you told me about your family, your all too perfect job, your favorite hobbies and biggest pet peeves, I realized that you, this stranger at first, was everything that I hadn't been looking for. Your smile lit up a room and your laugh was addicting. You laughed at my jokes, whether you even really thought they were funny, I guess we will never know.
I go back to the night that I finally invited you into my apartment. It was several weeks later, after I had assured myself that you weren't like every other guy. I told myself that if you wanted to hurt me, you would have already. I am the kind of girl who doesn't let people in easily, not into my apartment, or into my heart. But you. You had something about you that led me to believe that you were "it." I dreamt about the day that I would introduce you to my dad, and smile at the thought of my brother actually liking someone that I have dated. But 'dating' is such a weird word for our generation. It's almost like taboo. After several months of hanging out, and keeping eachother's secrets, one would think that we were what you would call, exclusive.
I remember lying in my bed, your back facing me, watching the snow fall outside my window. Not only was it cold outside, but it was even colder in my bed. The holiday season was coming up, and I thought, that this would be the perfect opportunity to introduce you to my family. The night before we were having dinner (drinks) I brought up something, that I quickly found out, I shouldn't have. The person sitting across from me, who I had shared so many moments with in the past several months, turned into a very, cold, human being. Someone that I have literally nightmared about since the last one wrecked havoc on my life. You had a blank expression on your face and said, "Oh, you think we are in a relationship?"
The thing is, I have zero expectations anymore. I am more surprised when a guy is nice to me, than when he isn't. But what I don't understand is why would you spend so much of your time with me, laugh with me, talk about the future with me, but...not really want to "be" with me. Would it be so bad to spend the next 6 months, how we have spent the last?
After our disagreement, you still chose to come over, and I still chose to give into you. I knew that things weren't going to be the same after that night, not because I didn't want them to be, but because I wasn't going to sit around and be some emotional filler for you. We are old enough to know what we want, or don't want, so it's easy for me to walk away from this situation, because I told myself that I would never let someone make me feel like I wasn't important, like I wasn't beautiful.
If I had my choice, I would choose you. If I had my choice, I would choose to spend the time that you aren't traveling in your arms. If I had the choice, I would do my best to be the girl that you could actually see yourself 'dating.' But instead, I don't really have a choice in the matter, since you are "too invested in your career" right now to discuss the situation at hand...and that is okay.
I'll be alright, I'll have wine with the girls, talk about how much I hate you even though I know that I really don't. I'll erase you from my life and move on, and hope that every now and then you'll think of my smile, or the way that I used to make you laugh when I'd dance around like a fool. I'm not an easy person to forget, and I know that. But I hope that whatever reason you had to not commit to me, to not be faithful to me...I hope that it was a damn good one.
I remember when I first met you. From a distance, your baby blues caught my attention and I was hooked. I nudged my best friend next to me, nodded your way, and she gave me the go ahead and a confidence boost to come and talk to you. After that first conversation, after you told me about your family, your all too perfect job, your favorite hobbies and biggest pet peeves, I realized that you, this stranger at first, was everything that I hadn't been looking for. Your smile lit up a room and your laugh was addicting. You laughed at my jokes, whether you even really thought they were funny, I guess we will never know.
I go back to the night that I finally invited you into my apartment. It was several weeks later, after I had assured myself that you weren't like every other guy. I told myself that if you wanted to hurt me, you would have already. I am the kind of girl who doesn't let people in easily, not into my apartment, or into my heart. But you. You had something about you that led me to believe that you were "it." I dreamt about the day that I would introduce you to my dad, and smile at the thought of my brother actually liking someone that I have dated. But 'dating' is such a weird word for our generation. It's almost like taboo. After several months of hanging out, and keeping eachother's secrets, one would think that we were what you would call, exclusive.
I remember lying in my bed, your back facing me, watching the snow fall outside my window. Not only was it cold outside, but it was even colder in my bed. The holiday season was coming up, and I thought, that this would be the perfect opportunity to introduce you to my family. The night before we were having dinner (drinks) I brought up something, that I quickly found out, I shouldn't have. The person sitting across from me, who I had shared so many moments with in the past several months, turned into a very, cold, human being. Someone that I have literally nightmared about since the last one wrecked havoc on my life. You had a blank expression on your face and said, "Oh, you think we are in a relationship?"
The thing is, I have zero expectations anymore. I am more surprised when a guy is nice to me, than when he isn't. But what I don't understand is why would you spend so much of your time with me, laugh with me, talk about the future with me, but...not really want to "be" with me. Would it be so bad to spend the next 6 months, how we have spent the last?
After our disagreement, you still chose to come over, and I still chose to give into you. I knew that things weren't going to be the same after that night, not because I didn't want them to be, but because I wasn't going to sit around and be some emotional filler for you. We are old enough to know what we want, or don't want, so it's easy for me to walk away from this situation, because I told myself that I would never let someone make me feel like I wasn't important, like I wasn't beautiful.
If I had my choice, I would choose you. If I had my choice, I would choose to spend the time that you aren't traveling in your arms. If I had the choice, I would do my best to be the girl that you could actually see yourself 'dating.' But instead, I don't really have a choice in the matter, since you are "too invested in your career" right now to discuss the situation at hand...and that is okay.
I'll be alright, I'll have wine with the girls, talk about how much I hate you even though I know that I really don't. I'll erase you from my life and move on, and hope that every now and then you'll think of my smile, or the way that I used to make you laugh when I'd dance around like a fool. I'm not an easy person to forget, and I know that. But I hope that whatever reason you had to not commit to me, to not be faithful to me...I hope that it was a damn good one.
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