Writers Note: Don't read too far into my feelings, if you don't want to know what my feelings are. Believe it or not, this has nothing to do with me, I'm writing it for a friend. However, to say that I don't know what she is going through would be a lie, we have all been in an 'almost' relationship.
I remember when I first met you. From a distance, your baby blues caught my attention and I was hooked. I nudged my best friend next to me, nodded your way, and she gave me the go ahead and a confidence boost to come and talk to you. After that first conversation, after you told me about your family, your all too perfect job, your favorite hobbies and biggest pet peeves, I realized that you, this stranger at first, was everything that I hadn't been looking for. Your smile lit up a room and your laugh was addicting. You laughed at my jokes, whether you even really thought they were funny, I guess we will never know.
I go back to the night that I finally invited you into my apartment. It was several weeks later, after I had assured myself that you weren't like every other guy. I told myself that if you wanted to hurt me, you would have already. I am the kind of girl who doesn't let people in easily, not into my apartment, or into my heart. But you. You had something about you that led me to believe that you were "it." I dreamt about the day that I would introduce you to my dad, and smile at the thought of my brother actually liking someone that I have dated. But 'dating' is such a weird word for our generation. It's almost like taboo. After several months of hanging out, and keeping eachother's secrets, one would think that we were what you would call, exclusive.
I remember lying in my bed, your back facing me, watching the snow fall outside my window. Not only was it cold outside, but it was even colder in my bed. The holiday season was coming up, and I thought, that this would be the perfect opportunity to introduce you to my family. The night before we were having dinner (drinks) I brought up something, that I quickly found out, I shouldn't have. The person sitting across from me, who I had shared so many moments with in the past several months, turned into a very, cold, human being. Someone that I have literally nightmared about since the last one wrecked havoc on my life. You had a blank expression on your face and said, "Oh, you think we are in a relationship?"
The thing is, I have zero expectations anymore. I am more surprised when a guy is nice to me, than when he isn't. But what I don't understand is why would you spend so much of your time with me, laugh with me, talk about the future with me, but...not really want to "be" with me. Would it be so bad to spend the next 6 months, how we have spent the last?
After our disagreement, you still chose to come over, and I still chose to give into you. I knew that things weren't going to be the same after that night, not because I didn't want them to be, but because I wasn't going to sit around and be some emotional filler for you. We are old enough to know what we want, or don't want, so it's easy for me to walk away from this situation, because I told myself that I would never let someone make me feel like I wasn't important, like I wasn't beautiful.
If I had my choice, I would choose you. If I had my choice, I would choose to spend the time that you aren't traveling in your arms. If I had the choice, I would do my best to be the girl that you could actually see yourself 'dating.' But instead, I don't really have a choice in the matter, since you are "too invested in your career" right now to discuss the situation at hand...and that is okay.
I'll be alright, I'll have wine with the girls, talk about how much I hate you even though I know that I really don't. I'll erase you from my life and move on, and hope that every now and then you'll think of my smile, or the way that I used to make you laugh when I'd dance around like a fool. I'm not an easy person to forget, and I know that. But I hope that whatever reason you had to not commit to me, to not be faithful to me...I hope that it was a damn good one.
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